It went something like this (and please…no judgin’):
Me: Hi honey…sorry to bother you right now (thinking to myself: Self, he is so busy he doesn’t have time to talk about ANYTHING besides hay right now. You know this. Why are you bothering him??)
Him: Yes dear. (PAUSE.) I’m sort of busy right now.
Me: I know. I’m sorry. It’s just that there is this calf out there who sounds really upset. I mean, REALLY, upset. He’s practically running up and down the fence line…
Him: He’s fine.
Me: But I don’t think so. He’s sounding more and more upset. Almost screeching really. Do you want to try to listen?
Him: HONEY! He’s fine. Did I mention I’m sort of busy right now? As in, trying to fight a fire.
Me: WHAT? A fire? Why didn’t you say so? Is it bad? Are you alone? Where is it? What started it? Is it our hay????
Him: HONEY!!! The firefighters are here, and guys from the ranch. It’s just one hay bale, well, two actually, but that’s all. It’s ok. Lightning started it. Got 4 steer too.
Me: See! That’s what I’m worried about. What if the little guy’s momma got hit by lightning? Shouldn’t I go help him find her?
Him: (EXASPERATED sigh heard…followed by a slight pause) NO. Do not go out there. He will be fine. His momma’s fine. (Myself says to myself: how in the heck does he know this?) Leave him alone. This is interfering with nature, right?
Me: So I guess you don’t want to hear how I just saved the bee from the spider web outside our bedroom window?
Him: WHAT? static…pause…static…what sounded like “what the bleep?”…static…
Me: I just felt bad for him, stuck there, and sort of fluttering his wings pathetically.
Him: (Eye roll loud enough to be heard through the telephone line.)
Me: So I guess you also don’t want to hear about the hummingbird I’m worried about that can’t seem to figure out where to drink from? I’ve been watching him for a couple of days now. He’s all scruffy looking and keeps trying to drink from all over the feeder, just not where he’s supposed to. I was thinking I might be able to catch him and then put his beak in the right spot. What do you think?
Him: (LONG pause…followed by almost inaudible sigh.) Honey. You have heard of something called “natural selection” right? Do you really think the world needs to have a hummingbird’s genes out there that can’t figure out how to drink from a feeder? Survival of the fittest and all that. NOW…did I mention that I was sort of busy fighting a fire? I’ve got to go.
Me: Yeah, fine, ok.
FIVE MINUTES LATER
Me: Honey? It’s me again.
Him: Yes dear? Still fighting the fire here.
Me: Well I just wanted to tell you that the little guy found his momma. And it was SO cute. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a calf run that fast. It was just like in the movies when they show two people running toward each other on the beach with arms outstretched, SO happy to see each other. Well, the momma cow wasn’t running. And actually, she didn’t sound so happy either, now that I mention it. She was standing still, up there on top of the hill, and she actually sounded sort of peeved. But he sure was happy. So isn’t that great? I just thought you might like to know he’s ok. And she’s ok. And it’s all ok here. Well, except for the scruffy hummingbird.
Him: (REALLY long pause.)
Him: Yes dear. That’s great. Can I go finish fighting the fire?
(End of transcript.)
Sheesh. Priorities, eh? Mommy love or haystack fires?
Got to go stick some needles in a dear canine friend. I LOVE this hat I get to wear only ever so occasionally (veterinary acupuncturist!!).